Movie Melayu Paling Crap Yang Pernah Aku Tengok.

...And that's saying something.

WARNING: BAHASA ROJAK COMING RIGHT UP!

Hari tu I was watching Cuti-Cuti Cinta, sebuah filem arahan Ahmad Idham, starring these two:

It came out in cinemas last October, I think, so it's a bit late to be talking about it now, but I'm pretty sure they're currently showing it on TV, so I'm not that late.

The movie's supposed to be a romantic comedy, but it fails on so many levels.

First of all, romantic comedies are supposed to be funny. I don't think I cracked a single smile throughout the entire movie. And no, I'm not uptight. Anyone who knows me IRL knows I laugh quite a bit too much. So there. The jokes in Cuti-Cuti Cinta are lame and basi, and rely mostly on stereotypes.

Me, watching Cuti-Cuti Cinta.

Secondly, romantic comedies are supposed to be romantic.

[SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!]

Nora Danish's character, Eeva, is supposed to be a spoiled brat from KL who merajuks big time and runs off to a hotel by a beach because her fiance is a jerk. When she arrives at the hotel, she makes a big fuss out of everything, and we spend quite a bit of time watching her whine and complain. Along comes Farid Kamil's character, Omar, a housekeeper at the hotel. He's supposed to be the hero. He's a Gary Stu type guy- budak kampung yang kononnya baik dan pandai dan humble (which explains why he's in housekeeping), and (I assume he's supposed to be) handsome.

Kampung boy meets bratty girl from the city, the two get stuck on an island, argue consistently, and then !SUDDENLY! they fall in love with each other.

Quickest, most unbelievable relationship yang dijalin dalam sebuah movie. Ever.

[END OF SPOILER!!!!!!!!!]

I've watched quite a lot of Malay movies, but never have I felt compelled to write an entire blog post about any of them, no matter how bad they were. But the rubbishness of Cuti-Cuti Cinta has riled me up so much, it has moved me to write. I haven't written anything on this blog for a whole month, and Cuti-Cuti Cinta has forced me out of my hiding place. Oh yes, it's that bad.

So why am I being so emotional, you ask?

Oh, I'll tell you why.

Omar and Eeva do not get along with each other. The dude's a goody-two-shoes (that's how the director wants you to see him, anyway), and the girl's annoying and insufferable. At one point in the movie, Omar gets fed up with Eeva's constant whining and complaining.

Eeva: [insert annoying lines here about how it's Omar's fault they're stuck on this dreadful island]
Omar: Ko nak aku tampar ko? (raises hand)
Eeva: Ko berani? Tampar lah!

And believe it not, Omar slaps her.

Twice.

Hard.

With totally unrelated bouncy comedy music playing in the background.

As Eeva stomps off angrily, Omar suddenly makes a roaring sound (imitating a tiger, I suppose) to scare Eeva, and Eeva, being a typical Malay drama heroine yang weak dan bimbotic, gets so shocked, she turns around and hurries over back to Omar and, bak kata my sister Anisah, 'collapses into his warm, powerful wife-beating arms.'

No, seriously, watch it yourself in the video below. The scene starts at around minute 47:33.

WHAT.

THE.

And there I was, absolutely shocked. I made Firdaus watch that bit and he was shocked, too. Mouth fell agape and everything.

Oh, but that's not all.

Few scenes later, and Omar and Eeva are arguing again.

Omar: Ko ingat ko cantik? (Looks at Eeva's chest) Apa tu? Nasi lemak 50 sen!
Eeva: Itu sudah melampau! (slaps Omar)

And guess what? Omar slaps her back really hard, and then bites her hand. And there's that stupid happy music in the background again.

At that point, I was absolutely enraged.

What civilized man would ever lay a hand on a woman like that? And this is supposed to be the likable hero?! Sure, Eeva's as annoying as an itchy scab you can't scratch, but annoying behaviour does not warrant a slap across the face. If I were Eeva, I'd probably have killed him in his sleep. Ok, maybe not, but I wouldn't have stayed within a mile from that guy. I'd have attempted to get off the island without him. I'd rather die from drowning than get beaten to death by some abuser! Oh, but I've yet to see a heroine dalam filem Melayu yang boleh save her own butt.

So you can imagine how horrified and angry I was after that when all of a sudden, after having one conversation with Omar, Eeva actually starts warming up to her abuser (Stockholm Syndrome, maybe, says Anisah), and after spending some time back in KL, she decides to leave her fiance and run back to that hotel by the beach in order to be with Omar.

End of movie.

WHAT WAS THAT I DONT EVEN


***

If you were to judge the movie based on what I've written here, you'd think it was a psychological drama/thriller about how abuse victims express adulation and develop positive feelings towards their captors. But no. It's supposed to be a romantic comedy.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one complaining about this movie. I searched online to see if anyone else felt what I felt, and found out that Mangga Online questioned the quality of the movie, too.

Ahmad Idham was quick to defend himself:

Kualiti itu subjektif. [...] Saya gunakan kamera high definition (HD) untuk mendapatkan kualiti terbaik. Saya sudah arahkan 20 lebih filem dan semuanya hit mencecah kutipan lebih daripada RM2 juta. Kualiti bagaimana yang dimaksudkan? Anda katakan filem saya tiada kualiti, namun kutipan yang dicatat menyatakan sebaliknya.

Excuse the F word.

Err, yeah, Ahmad Idham. Grasping at straws, much? That 2004 Catwoman movie earned millions more than any of your movies ever did. But no amount of money it earned or HD cameras they used made it any less crap.

What I don't get is how they can be let off for not only making such a bad movie, but for making a bad movie where the hero physically abuses the heroine. We're supposed to be okay with that?! Do they WANT people to think hitting other people's fine? What were they thinking? I assume they weren't thinking at all.

I can accept one man being completely and utterly clueless, but the fact that a whole team of people working on the movie were stupid enough to even get involved is just mindblowingly unbelievable.

Really.

Ahmad Idham also added:

Sebenarnya filem yang ringan lebih sukar untuk dibuat berbanding filem berat. Dan kita harus tengok lenggok filem dan permintaan penonton kerana perjalanan industri memang begitu.

If you're just gonna make movies berdasarkan permintaan penonton sahaja instead of being innovative and creating movies that are new and fresh, then we'd end up with a bunch of movies that are all the same (which explains why filem-filem hantu are being churned out every single flipping month).

Local filmmakers need to stop assuming that their audience is stupid. Any layman can tell that many local filmmakers are too scared to take risks so they end up relying on the same old simple formulas to make money. This just proves that they assume audiences will lap up anything the studios spit out.

Really. We're not all stupid. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are millions more smart people than there are ones yang malas nak guna otak. There's a reason why The King's Speech reigned supreme at this year's Academy Awards. Why it beat big-budget hits like Avatar and Inception. The movie had soul, intelligence, wit, and emotion. Malaysian filmmakers need to learn that it takes more than just millions of dollars worth of HD cameras, special effects and pretty/handsome actors in order to make a hit. Those don't mean a thing when you haven't got a compelling, smart story in the first place. So go on and take some risks. Come up with something that intelligent people can enjoy. And because intelligent people make up the majority of the Malaysian population, the amount of money that comes rolling in may very well surprise you.