The other night I had a wonderful, profound dream about insecurities and the uncertainties we have about how good we are at what we do... It involved Chris Martin (don't roll your eyes! Keep reading, please) coming over to my house, and instead of hyperventilating and dying at the sight of him and his glowing gorgeousness, I instead acted very cool, and we chatted like we knew each other from some past life or something...
So anyway, I mentioned to DreamChris about how I very often swing from one extreme to another: One minute when I'm drawing or writing a song or a poem or an essay or a story, I very arrogantly think I might be in the process of producing something so wonderfully fantastic. Then the next minute, once I complete the piece I had been working on, I always genuinely believe that I had just wasted so much time working on a particularly foul piece of poop.
DreamChris told me that the only way to truly know if you work is worthy of public attention is to actually make it public. Writers looking to get published get a literary agent. Musicians looking to sell a hit record send their demos in to a record label. Those not looking for fame and fortune can disclose their materials to a smaller audience who, say, read their blog. Sure, you can let your bestfriend have a look at your work, but unless they're the brutally honest type, they're bound to pad their comments to cushion any blows they might throw you. But nothing beats unbiased, honest criticism, and the only way you can get that is to let those less close to you in on your super secret documents/audio files etc.
"You are your own worst critic, so you're bound to scrutinize your own work and try to erase any flaw, no matter how small, from it in order to avoid the possibility of having the public point out those flaws," said DreamChris, sitting cross-legged on our living-room sofa. "Because nothing bruises your ego more than someone saying what you've poured all your blood, sweat and tears into making is simply quite rubbish. But then you realise that there's no way in this side of reality can you erase all the flaws in your work, because that would mean you're aiming for flawless perfection, and there's no such thing as flawless perfection. And then you get angry at yourself for still wanting something unachievable. And then you inevitably give up and let your work hang out in some limbo called 'What If Land'."
What If Land. DreamChris was right. What's the point of repeatedly asking yourself, 'what if?'
What if that short story you wrote that's now lying under your bed somewhere is actually a literary masterpiece?
What if that epic poem you bravely attempted to write but is now stashed shamefully in your socks drawer is truly... epic?
What if that song you wrote and recorded, but rejected for being too lo-fi and cheesy could actually be a soaring work of genius?
What if you had what it takes to get that dream job you've always dreamed of getting, but you let your fear and insecurities get the better of you?Just so you know, though, I draw, write and record for myself. These activities are my creative outlets, and nothing's more satisfying than getting an abstract idea I've had floating in my mind and turning it into something concrete. I rarely have the desire to do it for anyone else (unless it's a gift for a loved one or something...). But still, there are moments when I want to share my creations with other people, but fear gets the better of me every time.
"If you never try, you never know," said DreamChris, quoting his own song, Fix You. (Oh, NOW I get why Chris is in this dream. Haha!) "And if your work is truly crap, at least you'll receive some constructive criticism so you'll know how to improve."
I had already expressed on someone else's blog what DreamChris pointed out to me before I actually had the dream, but I decided to write this blog entry as a reminder to myself. My dreams sometimes have the weird ability to open my eyes and make me aware of what I didn't realise I was even feeling.
I'm sick of being uncertain. Sick of asking, "is this song I just wrote actually good, or is it all in my head?"
Sick of wondering, "is this story truly crap, or is it all in my head?"
So yeah. That's my resolution, I guess. To stop being so insecure about my own abilities and just... let go. In other words, and at the risk of sounding like a motivational poster (see pic below), believe in myself more. I'm promising myself to reveal something different I've worked on. I just need a bit more time!
Oh yeah, and the dream ended with me and my family standing in the front-and-centre VIP section at an intimate Coldplay show. Best dream ever.
Lots of love,
from Me.
ps: Happy birthday, Awi! You're the best! Love you lots.
