AWAS.

Note: I'm publishing this post from 2006 (has it really been 10 years?! My gaaad!) again because someone's just asked me about that nasi tomato incident, and this story cracks me up. Good times. Good times. Enjoy!


Why oh why oh why oh why oh why???

WHY AM I SUCH A KLUTZ?!

I'm a frickin natural disaster! I'm like frickin Ugly Betty, or that annoying Susan Mayer from Desperate Housewives! I should be walking with a flashing neon sign on my forehead, reading 'WARNING: AISYA SEDANG BERGERAK'.
I can't go out without tripping at least once a day.
I can't eat a meal without dropping sauce all down my front or sending cutlery soaring through the air.
I can't even chew food without accidentally biting the inside of my lower lip and causing an ulcer!

I'm a hazard.

Today, I spent the first half of the day at a little get-together with old friends from my St John's era at St John's (forgive my bad writing. I'm listening to really loud music to drown my sorrows, and I can't write proper when I'm listening to music...). We spent a few hours laughing and chatting and eating, and when everyone had left, there was still some packets of food left. So one of the teachers insisted that I take one home.
So I took it. I took the nasi tomato, which was put into one of those evil white unbiodegradeable polystyrene packets. The teacher took the plastic bag that it was originally placed in because another student needed it.
So I went home with Ashli on the usual U82 bus, which was unusually crowded. All the seats were taken, so I had to stand up. The People Who Did Not Get Up To Offer Me Their Seat (PWDNGUTOMTS) made a big mistake then and there by not offering me their seats!
So there I was, standing in the bus, trying to balance as the thing moved. It was tough - I was holding the pole in one hand, and a heavy file with the polystyrene packet on top in the other. I was stumbling about everywhere, and the PWDNGUTOMTS should've seen that as a warning to get up and offer me their seats!
But NO, no one took heed. It was only a matter of time before I screwed up.
I had reached my stop at Pusat Bandar Damansara when suddenly the bus halted abruptly.
And that's when it happened.
The polystyerene packet opened, and rice flew everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I watched in absolute horror as the little grains of rice soared through the air in slow motion, amidst gasps coming from other passengers. And it all landed on a poor unsuspecting school kid. The chicken ended up hitting a poor old man's knee before finding its way under the seat of someone who looked quite dangerous.

(above: A klutz in action)

I began apologising like crazy once everything had returned to normal speed. The poor unsuspecting kid looked rather dazed as I handed him a tissue while muttering 'I'm so sorry' to him about a million times. The rice had landed all over his front and had managed to creep into his bag, and there were a few grains in his hair that Ashli picked out. Some nice lady offered me a plastic bag, and I thanked her profusely for her kindness.
I never did make it to Pusat Bandar Damansara. I decided to stay in the bus to help the poor kid clean himself up. When that was done, I got out near Eastin Hotel because I couldn't stand the shame.
I made my way over to the nearest petrol station to buy myself two bottles of Pepsi to drown my mortification and some green tea for Ashli.
Then we caught another bus, which thankfully had a few empty seats for me sit on and not cause any more danger.

Why do these things happen to me?

I guess I'm just uniquely coordinated. Or, to put it simply, I'm just a darn clumsy bumbling muppet.
Lots of love spread clumsily over the keyboard,
from Me.
ps: Thank you, Saraa, for making me feel a trillion times better, and thanks, Ashli, for not making feel like a complete fool! :)

Movie Melayu Paling Crap Yang Pernah Aku Tengok.

...And that's saying something.

WARNING: BAHASA ROJAK COMING RIGHT UP!

Hari tu I was watching Cuti-Cuti Cinta, sebuah filem arahan Ahmad Idham, starring these two:

It came out in cinemas last October, I think, so it's a bit late to be talking about it now, but I'm pretty sure they're currently showing it on TV, so I'm not that late.

The movie's supposed to be a romantic comedy, but it fails on so many levels.

First of all, romantic comedies are supposed to be funny. I don't think I cracked a single smile throughout the entire movie. And no, I'm not uptight. Anyone who knows me IRL knows I laugh quite a bit too much. So there. The jokes in Cuti-Cuti Cinta are lame and basi, and rely mostly on stereotypes.

Me, watching Cuti-Cuti Cinta.

Secondly, romantic comedies are supposed to be romantic.

[SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!]

Nora Danish's character, Eeva, is supposed to be a spoiled brat from KL who merajuks big time and runs off to a hotel by a beach because her fiance is a jerk. When she arrives at the hotel, she makes a big fuss out of everything, and we spend quite a bit of time watching her whine and complain. Along comes Farid Kamil's character, Omar, a housekeeper at the hotel. He's supposed to be the hero. He's a Gary Stu type guy- budak kampung yang kononnya baik dan pandai dan humble (which explains why he's in housekeeping), and (I assume he's supposed to be) handsome.

Kampung boy meets bratty girl from the city, the two get stuck on an island, argue consistently, and then !SUDDENLY! they fall in love with each other.

Quickest, most unbelievable relationship yang dijalin dalam sebuah movie. Ever.

[END OF SPOILER!!!!!!!!!]

I've watched quite a lot of Malay movies, but never have I felt compelled to write an entire blog post about any of them, no matter how bad they were. But the rubbishness of Cuti-Cuti Cinta has riled me up so much, it has moved me to write. I haven't written anything on this blog for a whole month, and Cuti-Cuti Cinta has forced me out of my hiding place. Oh yes, it's that bad.

So why am I being so emotional, you ask?

Oh, I'll tell you why.

Omar and Eeva do not get along with each other. The dude's a goody-two-shoes (that's how the director wants you to see him, anyway), and the girl's annoying and insufferable. At one point in the movie, Omar gets fed up with Eeva's constant whining and complaining.

Eeva: [insert annoying lines here about how it's Omar's fault they're stuck on this dreadful island]
Omar: Ko nak aku tampar ko? (raises hand)
Eeva: Ko berani? Tampar lah!

And believe it not, Omar slaps her.

Twice.

Hard.

With totally unrelated bouncy comedy music playing in the background.

As Eeva stomps off angrily, Omar suddenly makes a roaring sound (imitating a tiger, I suppose) to scare Eeva, and Eeva, being a typical Malay drama heroine yang weak dan bimbotic, gets so shocked, she turns around and hurries over back to Omar and, bak kata my sister Anisah, 'collapses into his warm, powerful wife-beating arms.'

No, seriously, watch it yourself in the video below. The scene starts at around minute 47:33.

WHAT.

THE.

And there I was, absolutely shocked. I made Firdaus watch that bit and he was shocked, too. Mouth fell agape and everything.

Oh, but that's not all.

Few scenes later, and Omar and Eeva are arguing again.

Omar: Ko ingat ko cantik? (Looks at Eeva's chest) Apa tu? Nasi lemak 50 sen!
Eeva: Itu sudah melampau! (slaps Omar)

And guess what? Omar slaps her back really hard, and then bites her hand. And there's that stupid happy music in the background again.

At that point, I was absolutely enraged.

What civilized man would ever lay a hand on a woman like that? And this is supposed to be the likable hero?! Sure, Eeva's as annoying as an itchy scab you can't scratch, but annoying behaviour does not warrant a slap across the face. If I were Eeva, I'd probably have killed him in his sleep. Ok, maybe not, but I wouldn't have stayed within a mile from that guy. I'd have attempted to get off the island without him. I'd rather die from drowning than get beaten to death by some abuser! Oh, but I've yet to see a heroine dalam filem Melayu yang boleh save her own butt.

So you can imagine how horrified and angry I was after that when all of a sudden, after having one conversation with Omar, Eeva actually starts warming up to her abuser (Stockholm Syndrome, maybe, says Anisah), and after spending some time back in KL, she decides to leave her fiance and run back to that hotel by the beach in order to be with Omar.

End of movie.

WHAT WAS THAT I DONT EVEN


***

If you were to judge the movie based on what I've written here, you'd think it was a psychological drama/thriller about how abuse victims express adulation and develop positive feelings towards their captors. But no. It's supposed to be a romantic comedy.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one complaining about this movie. I searched online to see if anyone else felt what I felt, and found out that Mangga Online questioned the quality of the movie, too.

Ahmad Idham was quick to defend himself:

Kualiti itu subjektif. [...] Saya gunakan kamera high definition (HD) untuk mendapatkan kualiti terbaik. Saya sudah arahkan 20 lebih filem dan semuanya hit mencecah kutipan lebih daripada RM2 juta. Kualiti bagaimana yang dimaksudkan? Anda katakan filem saya tiada kualiti, namun kutipan yang dicatat menyatakan sebaliknya.

Excuse the F word.

Err, yeah, Ahmad Idham. Grasping at straws, much? That 2004 Catwoman movie earned millions more than any of your movies ever did. But no amount of money it earned or HD cameras they used made it any less crap.

What I don't get is how they can be let off for not only making such a bad movie, but for making a bad movie where the hero physically abuses the heroine. We're supposed to be okay with that?! Do they WANT people to think hitting other people's fine? What were they thinking? I assume they weren't thinking at all.

I can accept one man being completely and utterly clueless, but the fact that a whole team of people working on the movie were stupid enough to even get involved is just mindblowingly unbelievable.

Really.

Ahmad Idham also added:

Sebenarnya filem yang ringan lebih sukar untuk dibuat berbanding filem berat. Dan kita harus tengok lenggok filem dan permintaan penonton kerana perjalanan industri memang begitu.

If you're just gonna make movies berdasarkan permintaan penonton sahaja instead of being innovative and creating movies that are new and fresh, then we'd end up with a bunch of movies that are all the same (which explains why filem-filem hantu are being churned out every single flipping month).

Local filmmakers need to stop assuming that their audience is stupid. Any layman can tell that many local filmmakers are too scared to take risks so they end up relying on the same old simple formulas to make money. This just proves that they assume audiences will lap up anything the studios spit out.

Really. We're not all stupid. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are millions more smart people than there are ones yang malas nak guna otak. There's a reason why The King's Speech reigned supreme at this year's Academy Awards. Why it beat big-budget hits like Avatar and Inception. The movie had soul, intelligence, wit, and emotion. Malaysian filmmakers need to learn that it takes more than just millions of dollars worth of HD cameras, special effects and pretty/handsome actors in order to make a hit. Those don't mean a thing when you haven't got a compelling, smart story in the first place. So go on and take some risks. Come up with something that intelligent people can enjoy. And because intelligent people make up the majority of the Malaysian population, the amount of money that comes rolling in may very well surprise you.